You know how you receive jokes and puzzles via email etc... most of which are rubbish so they get deleted, well I've kept a few which I thought really enjoyable - see what you think..... these are presented in roughly the order I received them....

This is so short it doesn't warrant a page of its own and is from the time when the US was trying to drum up support for the war on Iraq...

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."

Or.. how about this one...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,  which almost went un-noticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey," died peacefully at the of age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in - then the trouble started.

Here's an oldie, but a goodie.....

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see  from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog  says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some  collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny  porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly  formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with  the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit  Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he  wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old  man's a
Rolling Stone."

This is quite nice....

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a girls' junior college, asked a student in the class: "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith blushed and said freezingly: "Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me. You should be asking a boy."

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker simply asked another girl the same question. The other girl replied: "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker.
"And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

Or - this is for older people.  Younger people try it at their own risk.  It is working well for us.

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles.  You might want to adopt this 3 days a week.

 

Begin by standing straight, with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand.  Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can and try to reach a full minute.  Relax.

 

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

 

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in the bags.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they'd like to take back:


          9. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

          8. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

          7. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

          6. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

          5. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

          4. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

          3. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

          2. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

          1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

This was written by a black guy in Texas.......its so funny.....what a great sense of humor!!

        When I born, I BLACK.

            When I grow up, I black.

            When I go in sun, I black.

            When I cold, I black.

            When I scared, I black.

            When I sick, I black.

            And when I die, I still BLACK!

        You WHITE FOLKS.....

            When you born, you pink. grow up, you white.

            When you go in sun, you red.

            When you cold, you blue.

            When you scared, you yellow.

            When you sick, you green.

            When you bruised, you purple.

            And when you die, you gray

        So........... who you callin' COLOURED

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by

exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do .. to our

amazement and amusement.

    Here are some more of his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 

Half the people you know are below average.

 

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

 

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

Sunday School Quizzes!!

 
Ancient  Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

 

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

 

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

 

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

 

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

 

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

 

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

 

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

 

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

 

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

 

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

 

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

 

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

 

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

 

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

 

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

 

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

 

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

 

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

 

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

 

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

 

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

Was Jesus Black?

Of course he was:
He called people "Brother"
He liked Gospel
and he couldn't get a fair trial.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10) I did not object to the object.

 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

I've thought of another..... " Who? Besides yourself, was beside the bedside?"
 

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
 

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
 

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
 

If the rule is "I before E, except after C", why isn't the word weird spelled wierd?
 

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

 

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Last update - September 8, 2009 - email to djmikecurley@gmail.com